On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
