You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
try to milk me bitch
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