There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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