Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
