My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
