just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
