is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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