i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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