just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
