I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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