The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
