I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Only a mothe r could love this liver
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
