Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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