No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
