The maid of honor just puked.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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