You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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