Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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