go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
