I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
