rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
