Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
