I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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