I got chris browned last night
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
