Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
