oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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