I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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