nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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