im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
