I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
