I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
