Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
