I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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