whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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