9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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