I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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