On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
