I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
