i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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