Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
