you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
it's like iHOP with fire
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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