I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
