Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
