Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
