Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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