Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
