Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
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