We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
