Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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