Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
