you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
