It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
