Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
