I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
