I'm laying in your front yard are you home
This girl is more easily done than said...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Randomize
