12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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