If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
