I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
