is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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