kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I can't turn off my feet"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
