i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
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Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
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I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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