yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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